What Not To Wear After 50

People live longer now, which is usually a nice thing. And if they take good care of themselves, they might feel younger than their actual chronological age. But dressing as if you were decades younger does not fool anyone. They do it in Hollywood, sure, but that’s because you care about them.

For most of us regular folk, our kids or grandkids are even less likely to want to be seen with us in public when we dress inappropriately. We might even find friends our age canceling lunch plans. Here’s a quick guide to avoid some of these fashion faux pas.

T-Shirts

Of course, you can wear a T-shirt, but you have to pick the right style. Pastels, solid colors, simple patterns—none of these display the real you. Shirts with sassy sayings or with pictures of teen idols are what you’re looking for. Shirts that brag about how much liquor you can hold are also perfect. Plain, bright colored shirts with a sensible scarf or jewelry or a jacket is exactly what you’re expected to wear. “World’s Best Grandma” or “Superdad” make better coffee mugs than T-shirts. Don’t be a sap.

Pants

After 50, any kind of fancy pants are totally perfect. Any kind of boring, practical jeans or slack are pretty worthless. Whether it’s sweats with words on the butt, brightly colored skinny jeans, frilled jeans, low-rise jeans with sequins and embroidery, or plaid pajama bottoms, you’re on the right track. If all you have is practical and modest jeans or slacks, burn them and head to Abercrombie & Fitch.

Boring Footwear

If you have heels with a wider base and a rubber sole, or maybe a little extra cushion inside the shoe, you’re doing it wrong. You should be wearing strappy platform heels or 5-inch stilettos. They might not be comfortable, but at least you look good in public. Boots that go up to your thigh are also fantastic.

Conventional Underwear

Most people of a certain age start to dress in such a way that their clothing covers their undergarments. This is a waste of time. Look for clothes that have skinny straps, are cut to show off your shoulders, and ride low enough that they could conceivably show bra straps or the waistband of your lingerie. While those in their teens and 20s can get away with conventional and conservative clothing, you can’t. Not anymore. For the more mature person, let it hang out. You’ve been here long enough.

Loud Handbags

Some suggest older women only use small clutches. But in truth, the size matters a lot less than the tone. Simple bags in neutral colors are out. You want something that shouts, “HELLO! I’m a purse and I’m alive!” Carry make-up, books, your phone and other practical items. Puppies are great on the outside or the inside of your bag. For accessories, jewelry that shows off cartoon characters or says “I Love Brad” in cursive is very chic right now.

The Day That Made Me Ceiling Cat

Hello. I am Ceiling Cat. That’s my picture up there, the one that made me famous. Due to that incident, I have been the face of memes and the talk of cat nation. Prior to that day, I had an interesting life, especially considering that I am still on my first one. I began as an aware kitten; always learning but aware.

I would often spend my day chasing a mysterious light that would flash red into my humans’ kitchen wall and then disappear. The tiny humans would laugh, and the larger ones would pick me up too often. Since then, however, I have grown significantly in size and wisdom. Because I began constantly outsmarting the humans, they seem to leave me alone more often. Well, at least until the day I became Ceiling Cat.

It all began on my 432nd day with my humans. The day for me started out pretty normal. I arose from my second nap of the day, between my third and fourth sleep session. Upon awaking, I did what I normally do at that time … nothing. Nothing at all. A few minutes of nothing passed, and I ordered my long-haired human to pet behind my ears. After jumping on the couch and yelling for a bit, the human conceded and did as I required. I then moved on to manipulate the tiny humans into feeding me.

This was done, as usual, by simply pushing the tiny humans’ feet and screaming. They quickly conceded defeat. Once my meal was complete, I had my fourth sleep session. When I awoke, it appeared to be dark in my kingdom. This usually signals that the humans are resting to care for me again in the light. However, on this day, I heard a noise coming from the room where I let the larger humans sleep. I know of the old ancestral saying that curiosity killed the cat. It’s true, but I just couldn’t take the noise anymore.

There is an area of my kingdom that is higher up, and it leads to a hole that I would jump through to get into the resting place of the larger humans. So I ran to the area, squeezed through, and peeped my head through the hole. The humans were performing this odd ritual that they did every now and then. I commanded them to stop. After several demands, they spotted me and laughed.

I ensured them that this was no laughing matter. The more I yelled, the more they laughed, until the hairy taller human clapped at me in displeasure. I was furious at his impudence. I left to return to my final sleep session until the day returned. Since then, I have seen my face everywhere on the box my humans use everyday. They call it “memes.” I call it true fame and adoration.

Since then, I have been known as Ceiling Cat. I appreciate their reverence of me, but I truly believe humans are idiots.

An Irish Daughter Had Not Been Home For Over 5 Years…

Funny Joke Of The Day

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad…I became…a prostitute.”

“Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”

“OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a 10-bedroom mansion, plus a $2 million savings certificate.

“For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath)… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad.

The girl, crying again answered, “Sniff, sniff…a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.”

“Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!”

 

Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!

(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)

8 Funny Words That Start With P

Could you possibly have predicted this list of funny words that start with P? Probably not.

1. Persnickety

If you’re persnickety, it means you’re turning into your mother. That is, if your mother was overly picky about things. Not just picky. Overly picky. Being persnickety is a real PIA for other folks to put up with. You should probably try to relax the reins a little if this describes you.

2. Pooh-Pooh

If you pooh-pooh somebody else’s idea, you aren’t even giving it a chance. You’re dismissing it out of hand. And hand and pooh-pooh don’t go well together, do they? But boy, is it fun to say.

“Say, Brian, I was thinking we should put a bottled water machine inside the movie theater.”

“Pooh-pooh. That’s a terrible idea.”

3. Polliwog

Are you and your girl trying to come up with some new pet names for each other? If you’ve used up “honey bear” and “sweetums,” why not try “polliwog” on for size? You can spring it on her one day after you enjoy some frog’s legs for lunch at a fancy restaurant. “No, no, my little polliwog, I’ll get the check.”

4. Playful

You don’t think playful is a funny word? It can be if you use it properly. “My you have such a [big, long pause] playful child. Emphasize playful like it hurts you just to say it.” Or, while you’re interviewing a job candidate: “You have such a playful sense of humor.” Don’t smile as you say this. Look down at your paper and follow up with “Thanks for coming in. We’ll be in touch.”

5. Plonker

You have to hand it to the British when it comes to great words. A plonker is a real git. An idiot of the royal order. “You plonker! Can’t you do anything right?” Its original meaning is something very large that just sits there. Like “just plonk that down anywhere.” But now it’s a really good word you can use for someone you want to have fun with.

6. Prat

You can thank the Brits for this one, too. A prat is someone who thinks he’s too good for his britches. An uptight person who feels he is better than anyone else. Thankfully, prats seem to be all male. There have never been any instances of female prats in the history of the word. Don’t look that up. Just believe me.

7. Phat

If you say something is phat nowadays, it’s a good thing. Unless you say fat, which is usually thought of as a bad thing. Unless you can’t help it because of your thyroid or something. If you do say phat, make sure you really emphasize the “ph” because you don’t want to come across wrong. Really sink those teeth into the “ph” sound.

8. Pothead

Now that the country (or at least one state) seems to be embracing Mary Jane as a medical remedy, do we have to get rid of the derogatory word “pothead?” I’d like to keep using it. It was a great first-generation GPS locator for finding people in high school. “I can’t find Jessica.” “She’s over there with the potheads.” “Oh, I see her. Thanks.”

Three Bulls Heard The Rancher Was Bringing Another Bull Onto The Ranch…

Funny Joke Of The Day

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: “Son, don’t be foolish. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”

 

Tell us what you thought of this funny joke in the comments below, and come back every day for the Funny Joke Of The Day!

(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)