When You Wish Upon A … Monkey

When You Wish Upon A … Monkey

All rights reserved for Pepto

I know. The cricket sang about wishing upon a star, but I wished upon a Monkey. Actually I wished I could write for Monkey Pickle. Careful what you wish for.

I am trying to write between trips to the bathroom to throw up. There is nothing more devastating to a writer than rejection … unless it is success. A rejection slip will send me under the bed eating chocolate and wondering why I ever put pen to paper or rather fingers to keyboard. Acceptance seems to send me racing to the medicine cabinet for anything to calm the 10,000 butterflies waging war in my stomach while the brain synapse spark total fear of ever having another idea in my life.

To avoid staring at a blank computer screen and thus necessitating another trip to the throw up room, I shared the news with Dr. Hubby.

“Honey, I have been asked to write for Monkey Pickle.”

“Nice. Hey kids, a monkey want Mama to write for him.”

“He’s not a monkey!” I hope. He didn’t sound like a monkey. Could it/he have been a monkey? “And it’s Monkey Pickle,” I said feeling the butterflies making the trip up to my mouth just behind the chili dog I had for supper.

The children stared for a nano-second; then went back to playing Beat Your Sibling Senseless.

Maybe I should take a break from my non-writing and concentrate on the next requirement, a picture. The request was for a recent photograph. If recent is defined in terms of archeology, I have a well preserved baby picture that might do. If recent is interpreted in dog years, that would make me about 140 and I don’t think there is enough gigabytes on my computer to handle such a picture. If recent means in the past year, then they are going to need more than one column width to get all that sags and bags on me into one picture. Throw up time again.

The third assignment was to write my biography in three sentences.

Attempt number one: “I have eight children from seven different fathers. My husband isn’t the father of any of them. We are your typical American family.”

Nope, I need another sentence to explain the children are adopted.

Attempt number two: “I have been writing since first grade. I have written an award winning play, “Let’s Take This Show on the Road”, a book-ette, “E.B. and the Ladies of the Bird Table”, and a blog, “The Medicare Mom”. I have also written many notes to the gym teacher to get out of P.E.

Wait. That’s not quite true. I didn’t write notes to the gym teacher.

Attempt number three: “Observe. Write. Laugh”

Did he say three sentences or three words? Three? Three! Two! One! Throw up time again!

When you wish upon a star or a monkey, be sure to have plenty of Pepto on hand because you might get what you wished for and a bit more.


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