Signs You Might Be Brain Dead

Have you ever said to yourself, “Why did I do that,” or, “What was I thinking”? Do you say these things to yourself often? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there’s a good chance you might be brain dead. Even if you think you can’t be brain dead because you’re alive and walking around, you could be brain dead. Plenty of people are, they just don’t know it.

That bicyclist, who just rode out right in front of your car? Brain dead.

The newspaper delivery boy who keeps throwing your paper in the neighbor’s yard? Brain dead.

Your son-in-law, who still can’t remember that your dog is a “she”? Brain dead.

Telltale Signs You’re Brain Dead

The first step on the road to recovery is to recognize that you are brain dead. Here are the telltale signs that you’re brain dead. If the following scenarios are true about you, seek help immediately.

  • You have, on more than one occasion, found refrigerator items inside your cupboard.
  • You spend more than 10 minutes looking for your keys every morning.
  • Your “computa” did something with your files and you can’t find them.
  • You keep dating the same personality type. They consistently use you for your money.
  • You honestly can’t remember why you pushed the nuclear reactor emergency button.
  • Last week you woke up in bed with a geranium. You’re pretty sure you kissed it during the night.
  • At last count, seven people have told you that your head looks like it’s shrinking.
  • Your mother has stopped nagging you and started offering for you to come live in her basement.
  • At the zoo, a gorilla made eye contact and held out his hand for you to join him. You joined him.
  • The last time you relaxed in your backyard, a vulture landed on your chest and tried to peck you.

How To Handle Being Brain Dead

Once you recognize that you’re brain dead, it’s time to make amends to those you’ve hurt.

Talk to your spouse. Explain that you’re sorry that you keep leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor. Explain that you can’t help it because you’re brain dead, but that you’re happy to buy new towels each week to make up for it.

Confess to your boss that you’re the one who’s been exploding soup in the microwave and not cleaning it up. Offer to work weekends to compensate, but explain that you might not actually do it because of your brain deadness.

Ask forgiveness from the friends you borrowed lawn equipment from. You’re sorry you didn’t refill the gas tank. Explain your medical condition and ask if you can do their taxes as a return favor. Don’t worry. They’ll never take you up on it.

Living With Brain Deadness

Brain deadness is a lifelong condition that has no cure. It’s likely that you’ll continue to piss people off your whole life. Your best best is to live with it as best you can. Enjoy the moments in life that make you happiest. Don’t try to solve problems or get ahead in life. You’ll only be disappointed in yourself. Be content. Make compromises. Settle for less.

Therein lies your happiness, my friend. The rest of us will clean up your messes. We’ll turn off the gas burners on the stove after you’ve left the room. We’ll make sure the iron is disconnected, and we’ll pay the credit card bills on time. Fly low, little sparrow. Fly low.

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