How To Use Beard Balm

When studying the waxy depths of a tin of beard balm, it is entirely understandable that there is significant confusion regarding its application. We at the Institute for Everyday Obscure and Useful Items have created a handy how-to pamphlet for your reference whenever you come face to face with this semi-solid, smelly and enigmatic substance.

Preparing Beard Balm For Use

Since it arrives in its mostly solid state, you must prepare the balm before use.

  • Get out the turkey fryer from last Thanksgiving and place it in the middle of the yard. Hook up the propane and set the flame to high.
  • Open 50 tins of the balm. It’s best to ready a large quantitty of the stuff at a time since you will need to cover an extensive area.
  • Drop into vat and bring to a slow boil. This should take about an hour or so. Keep stirring so it doesn’t stick to the sides of the pot.
  • Once entire amount is liquid carefully pour into 50 silicon molds 1/2″ H x 3″ W x 5″ L.
  • Let sit for about one hour until it is back to its fairly solid point that you started with.

Apply Beard Balm

You will want several assistants to help you get an even application. Use steady strokes across the flat surface. No dry time is required.

  • Gymnasium Floors: No more squeaking athletic shoes on the tired wooden floors. Beard balm will reduce the friction for a much quieter middle school intramural competition.
  • Bowling Alleys: Considered a real improvement over standard buffing machines that use stinky chemicals, beard balm applied to the lanes at the alley helps combat the lingering aroma of athletes foot and stale beer while offering an even surface to send your ball along. The pleasant perfume helps to calm shattered nerves scraped raw from a brutal round of ten pin.
  • School Car Wash: When worked into the finish of a classic sedan, the deep luster of the balm and sandalwood scent will have the driver cruising to the mellow strains of Glen Miller Orchestra.
  • Poodles: Surprisingly, the stuff is capable of taming those small, tight curls resulting in a chic, modern appearance for your favorite pet. Apply with a spray nozzle.
  • Bottling Factories: When used on rollers at the manufacturing level, product will slip right along, improving overall speed. You might want to duck at the end of the line.
  • Cat-Scratched Upholstery: Instead of clipping all the loose strings, creating threadbare spots after Fluffy sharpened her claws, a little balm will help to hold the fabric together, while adding a wonderful smell to the living room.

Popular Misconceptions

  • “It controls your beard and mustache.” Goodness, no. Absolutely not. Originally it was created from the ear wax of bees and elephants from Delhi. Why would you ever want to put that on your face?
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