What Not To Wear After 50

People live longer now, which is usually a nice thing. And if they take good care of themselves, they might feel younger than their actual chronological age. But dressing as if you were decades younger does not fool anyone. They do it in Hollywood, sure, but that’s because you care about them.

For most of us regular folk, our kids or grandkids are even less likely to want to be seen with us in public when we dress inappropriately. We might even find friends our age canceling lunch plans. Here’s a quick guide to avoid some of these fashion faux pas.

T-Shirts

Of course, you can wear a T-shirt, but you have to pick the right style. Pastels, solid colors, simple patterns—none of these display the real you. Shirts with sassy sayings or with pictures of teen idols are what you’re looking for. Shirts that brag about how much liquor you can hold are also perfect. Plain, bright colored shirts with a sensible scarf or jewelry or a jacket is exactly what you’re expected to wear. “World’s Best Grandma” or “Superdad” make better coffee mugs than T-shirts. Don’t be a sap.

Pants

After 50, any kind of fancy pants are totally perfect. Any kind of boring, practical jeans or slack are pretty worthless. Whether it’s sweats with words on the butt, brightly colored skinny jeans, frilled jeans, low-rise jeans with sequins and embroidery, or plaid pajama bottoms, you’re on the right track. If all you have is practical and modest jeans or slacks, burn them and head to Abercrombie & Fitch.

Boring Footwear

If you have heels with a wider base and a rubber sole, or maybe a little extra cushion inside the shoe, you’re doing it wrong. You should be wearing strappy platform heels or 5-inch stilettos. They might not be comfortable, but at least you look good in public. Boots that go up to your thigh are also fantastic.

Conventional Underwear

Most people of a certain age start to dress in such a way that their clothing covers their undergarments. This is a waste of time. Look for clothes that have skinny straps, are cut to show off your shoulders, and ride low enough that they could conceivably show bra straps or the waistband of your lingerie. While those in their teens and 20s can get away with conventional and conservative clothing, you can’t. Not anymore. For the more mature person, let it hang out. You’ve been here long enough.

Loud Handbags

Some suggest older women only use small clutches. But in truth, the size matters a lot less than the tone. Simple bags in neutral colors are out. You want something that shouts, “HELLO! I’m a purse and I’m alive!” Carry make-up, books, your phone and other practical items. Puppies are great on the outside or the inside of your bag. For accessories, jewelry that shows off cartoon characters or says “I Love Brad” in cursive is very chic right now.

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The Day That Made Me Ceiling Cat

Hello. I am Ceiling Cat. That’s my picture up there, the one that made me famous. Due to that incident, I have been the face of memes and the talk of cat nation. Prior to that day, I had an interesting life, especially considering that I am still on my first one. I began as an aware kitten; always learning but aware.

I would often spend my day chasing a mysterious light that would flash red into my humans’ kitchen wall and then disappear. The tiny humans would laugh, and the larger ones would pick me up too often. Since then, however, I have grown significantly in size and wisdom. Because I began constantly outsmarting the humans, they seem to leave me alone more often. Well, at least until the day I became Ceiling Cat.

It all began on my 432nd day with my humans. The day for me started out pretty normal. I arose from my second nap of the day, between my third and fourth sleep session. Upon awaking, I did what I normally do at that time … nothing. Nothing at all. A few minutes of nothing passed, and I ordered my long-haired human to pet behind my ears. After jumping on the couch and yelling for a bit, the human conceded and did as I required. I then moved on to manipulate the tiny humans into feeding me.

This was done, as usual, by simply pushing the tiny humans’ feet and screaming. They quickly conceded defeat. Once my meal was complete, I had my fourth sleep session. When I awoke, it appeared to be dark in my kingdom. This usually signals that the humans are resting to care for me again in the light. However, on this day, I heard a noise coming from the room where I let the larger humans sleep. I know of the old ancestral saying that curiosity killed the cat. It’s true, but I just couldn’t take the noise anymore.

There is an area of my kingdom that is higher up, and it leads to a hole that I would jump through to get into the resting place of the larger humans. So I ran to the area, squeezed through, and peeped my head through the hole. The humans were performing this odd ritual that they did every now and then. I commanded them to stop. After several demands, they spotted me and laughed.

I ensured them that this was no laughing matter. The more I yelled, the more they laughed, until the hairy taller human clapped at me in displeasure. I was furious at his impudence. I left to return to my final sleep session until the day returned. Since then, I have seen my face everywhere on the box my humans use everyday. They call it “memes.” I call it true fame and adoration.

Since then, I have been known as Ceiling Cat. I appreciate their reverence of me, but I truly believe humans are idiots.

8 Funny Words That Start With P

Could you possibly have predicted this list of funny words that start with P? Probably not.

1. Persnickety

If you’re persnickety, it means you’re turning into your mother. That is, if your mother was overly picky about things. Not just picky. Overly picky. Being persnickety is a real PIA for other folks to put up with. You should probably try to relax the reins a little if this describes you.

2. Pooh-Pooh

If you pooh-pooh somebody else’s idea, you aren’t even giving it a chance. You’re dismissing it out of hand. And hand and pooh-pooh don’t go well together, do they? But boy, is it fun to say.

“Say, Brian, I was thinking we should put a bottled water machine inside the movie theater.”

“Pooh-pooh. That’s a terrible idea.”

3. Polliwog

Are you and your girl trying to come up with some new pet names for each other? If you’ve used up “honey bear” and “sweetums,” why not try “polliwog” on for size? You can spring it on her one day after you enjoy some frog’s legs for lunch at a fancy restaurant. “No, no, my little polliwog, I’ll get the check.”

4. Playful

You don’t think playful is a funny word? It can be if you use it properly. “My you have such a [big, long pause] playful child. Emphasize playful like it hurts you just to say it.” Or, while you’re interviewing a job candidate: “You have such a playful sense of humor.” Don’t smile as you say this. Look down at your paper and follow up with “Thanks for coming in. We’ll be in touch.”

5. Plonker

You have to hand it to the British when it comes to great words. A plonker is a real git. An idiot of the royal order. “You plonker! Can’t you do anything right?” Its original meaning is something very large that just sits there. Like “just plonk that down anywhere.” But now it’s a really good word you can use for someone you want to have fun with.

6. Prat

You can thank the Brits for this one, too. A prat is someone who thinks he’s too good for his britches. An uptight person who feels he is better than anyone else. Thankfully, prats seem to be all male. There have never been any instances of female prats in the history of the word. Don’t look that up. Just believe me.

7. Phat

If you say something is phat nowadays, it’s a good thing. Unless you say fat, which is usually thought of as a bad thing. Unless you can’t help it because of your thyroid or something. If you do say phat, make sure you really emphasize the “ph” because you don’t want to come across wrong. Really sink those teeth into the “ph” sound.

8. Pothead

Now that the country (or at least one state) seems to be embracing Mary Jane as a medical remedy, do we have to get rid of the derogatory word “pothead?” I’d like to keep using it. It was a great first-generation GPS locator for finding people in high school. “I can’t find Jessica.” “She’s over there with the potheads.” “Oh, I see her. Thanks.”

5 Excuses For Overspending

Sometimes, it feels good to let loose and spend more than you should, so if you need an excuse, we’ve got you covered. Below you’ll find some good reasons to spend your money well past your budget. You only live once, right?

1. Common Cold

If you’re feeling low and you suspect you may have contracted a common cold, then it’s time to go shopping. You deserve it, right? There is no faster way to turn that sorta-itchy throat upside-down. You’ll grab some designer clothes, some gourmet desserts and a new ATV. There’s no point overspending when you’re feeling good, because that’s overindulgent.

2. Wooing

If there is a special someone you’ve been sweet on, but they haven’t swayed in your direction, then it’s time to overspend. Love isn’t only about money, gifts and extravagant trips to Bora Bora, but it’s about 80 percent those things. It definitely doesn’t hurt to show your affections with material things. Wooing that special someone can bring happiness to your life, even if it means long-term credit card debt.

3. Showing Off

Like it or not, what other people think about you does matter when it comes to getting a job, finding a significant other or winning over friends. While it may seem vain, showing off a little can win you esteem in the eyes of others, regardless of whether it should or not. You don’t have to make it rain in the club by throwing money in the air. But if you don’t, everyone will know you don’t have enough money to do it. So you should. Go on. Make it rain!

If you really don’t have the money for that, just pick up the tab for dinner.

4. Got To Represent

You may not be a gangster rapper, but “representing” can be a good excuse to let the bucks fly. You have a reputation to maintain, right? So, if others are watching, and they have a certain perception of you and your socio-economic status, it’s time to represent and spend that money. Purchasing and then taking care of a personal entourage is also part of this phenomenon.

5. World’s Ending

At some point in the future, the Earth will cease to exist, so why wait for it to happen? Spend your money now. While credible scientists will argue the end of the world is many centuries in the future, you never know. Where are all the dinosaurs? It’s the right moment in history to overspend.

Nobody lives forever, so overspending every once in a while can be justified. You don’t get to take your bank account or credit cards with you when you pass away. So show off a little. Represent.

Funny Words That Start With E

These E words might get you wigged out, but don’t worry. An eft is on the way at the end.

1. Earwig

If this sounds scary and disgusting, that’s because it is. At first, you might think an earwig insect is named for some random reason. I hate to break it to you, but the name is because this insect actually crawls inside your ear while you sleep and wigs you out. So go on out an buy some cotton balls to stuff your ears with tonight, because you’ll never get a good night’s sleep again if you don’t.

2. Eek!

This is what you’ll be shrieking when you realize an earwig has just entered your ear. Seriously, did you buy those cotton balls yet?

3. Emoji

An emoji is a face icon that is used to express emotion when you’re communicating by text or email. It came about because people were getting so pissed off with each other over what they thought were snide comments, because you can’t read faces over the internet. Like when a person typed “so what?” it could set off a family feud, when really the person just wanted to know what happened next.

4. Eerie

Not to be confused with earie, which might be something to do with those nasty earwigs. Eerie has to do with coincidence or a strange feeling. If you get an eerie feeling, grab your flashlight, Nancy Drew, because something strange is about to happen.

5. Evitable

This is actually in the dictionary. It means avoidable. But everyone always uses inevitable, as in unavoidable. No one ever says, “Getting an earwig lodged in your ear was evitable, if only you’d bought those cotton balls like I suggested.”

6. Envy

Envy is the same as jealousy, but somehow the connotation is a whole lot darker. Envy feels like it can be coupled with some sort of malicious acts of revenge, whereas jealousy comes with relatively harmless comments or judgmental looks. If someone admits to being envious of you, watch your back. If they say they’re jealous, just take them out to lunch and it’s all good.

7. Eft

An eft is a certain kind of lizard. They eat earwigs, so if you are in the market for a new pet and you still haven’t bought those cotton balls, consider picking up an eft for yourself. They make great housepets and as I say, they can help keep your wigs about you.

5 Excuses For Being Late

Being late for some people is a huge no-go. For other individuals, this trait is integrated into their entire makeup and everyday behavior. Here are some excuses for being late that could win Academy Awards.

1. The Police Had Our Entire Block Shut Down Looking For An Escaped Lion

A transport truck was taking a lion to the zoo when the lion somehow broke out of the containment cage and took off running! The police and animal control people showed up and shut down our block. They started a dragnet over the entire area and would not let anybody out of their homes until the lion was caught. I would have called, but all the drama caused everything else to be blocked from my mind.

2. My Girlfriend Turned All Time Devices Back One Hour While I Was Sleeping

My girlfriend and I got into a bad argument last night. She wakes up first in the mornings, and she decided to teach me a lesson by making me late. She methodically turned every single clock, watch and timepiece back an hour. This was done for spite and to make me late for my presentation. We’re breaking up.

3. I Passed Out In My Car On The Way To Work And Ran Into A Ditch

I guess I took too much cold medicine because I blacked out on the way to work. The next thing I knew, I was in the ditch. I wasn’t hurt, but I had to wait for a taxi and a tow truck to arrive.

4. Someone Slashed All My Car Tires

When I came out of the house, a big surprise was waiting for me. There were four flat tires on my car! I had to wait for the police in order to get a report. I was so shocked that I didn’t think to call you and say that I was going to be late. I’m still shocked just thinking about it!

5. I Thought Someone Was Following Me, So I Kept Driving Out Of My Way

Lately, it seems like someone has been following me. Today, I drove along some obscure routes just to be sure. These extra routes caused me to be late, but it is better to be safe than sorry. Once I felt sure that everything was clear, I came right over as soon as I could.

What Not To Search On Google

While Google is a powerful tool to search for information and communicate globally, there are some topics you just shouldn’t search for, simply to protect your peace of mind. This includes checking up on old flames, bad bosses and celebrity pets. Each one of these searches will potentially return something you just don’t want or need to see.

Former Romantic Interests

You broke up with your old flames for a good reason, but you don’t need to second-guess your decision by looking them up on the internet. Reading their Facebook page, Linkedin profile or blog isn’t going to make you feel better. It will only make you wonder about the choices you’ve made … if your ex turned out to be successful. If they’ve had it rough, it’ll be mildly cathartic, but still probably not worth the effort of a search.

You’re not the type of person to take joy in someone else’s misfortune, right?

Bad Bosses

We’ve all had a boss treat us poorly, take credit for our work and talk down to us, as if we were completely incompetent. It’s hard to forget people like that, but it’s best to put them out of your mind. Searching them up on Google will only make you relive bad experiences. Like that time you vomited all over the conference table … oof.

Of course, bad bosses who have gotten a fair dose of karma are fun to ridicule, but it’s not worth the effort. It’s best to leave their profiles and resumes lost in the ether forever.

Celebrity Pets

The pampered, extravagant lives of celebrity pets are both fascinating and infuriating at the same time. At most, pictures of pets wearing jewelry and expensive outfits is an inefficient use of time.

On the other hand, it can be hard to watch a dog or cat eat better than you eat. The level of envy you may end up feeling for a dog or cat can actually ruin your day. If your own pet catches a glimpse of your screen while you’re ogling these other animals, the consequences could be irreparable.

It’s best to ignore the exploits of celebrity pets in favor of other value-added activities. Taking out the trash is probably a better use of your time.

Google is a modern convenience that makes life easier to live, but there are some searches that can make you feel awkward, uneasy and just a little bit scared. Maybe step away from the monitor for a little bit, huh? That’s it, back away slowly …