An Irish Daughter Had Not Been Home For Over 5 Years…

Funny Joke Of The Day

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff… Dad…I became…a prostitute.”

“Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”

“OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a 10-bedroom mansion, plus a $2 million savings certificate.

“For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath)… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad.

The girl, crying again answered, “Sniff, sniff…a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.”

“Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!”

 

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(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)

Three Bulls Heard The Rancher Was Bringing Another Bull Onto The Ranch…

Funny Joke Of The Day

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: “Son, don’t be foolish. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”

 

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(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)

A Man’s Car Breaks Down In Front Of A Monastery…

Funny Joke Of The Day

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232,049 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,702,382 sand pebbles on the Earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door and turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

 

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(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)

Three Men Died On Christmas Eve And Were Met By Saint Peter…

Funny Joke Of The Day

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It’s a candle,” he said.

“You may pass through the Pearly Gates,” Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The Irishman replied, “These are Carol’s.”

 

 

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(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)

Heisenberg, Ohm And Schrodinger Are In A Car…

Funny Joke Of The Day

Heisenberg, Ohm and Schrodinger are in a car. They get pulled over.

Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am,” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says, “You were doing 55 in a 35.”

Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, “Great! Now I’m lost!”

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says, “Do you know you have a dead cat back here?”

“We do now, asshole!” shouts Schrodinger, getting belligerent.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

 

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(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)

One Fine Day In Ireland, A Man Is Out Golfing…

Funny Joke Of The Day

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge lump on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness!” says the golfer. He proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly!” He walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.”

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball, he sees the same little guy standing around and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, “I’m fine! Might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says, “It’s great! I hit under par every time.”

The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I seem to find a little extra cash in there.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?”

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Once or twice a week?!”

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

 

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(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)

An Old Couple Comes Across A Magic Lamp In Their Attic…

Funny Joke Of The Day

An old couple come across a magic lamp in their attic and when they rub it, a genie appears. The genie grants them each three wishes.

The old woman goes first. Not wanting to appear greedy, she says to the genie, “I wish for a new dining table.” The genie waves his hand and poof! Their dining table is replaced.

The old man follows, saying, “I wish for a new car for the two of us.” The genie waves his hand again and poof! A brand new Porsche appears in the driveway.

The old woman now says, “I wish for a new and bigger house.” The genie waves his hand and poof! They feel the floor shift as their house is changed and improved.

The old man, not wanting to be outdone, says, “I wish for $1 billion for each of us.” The genie waves his hand and poof! A cool billion is added to each of their bank accounts.

The old woman now thinks hard. They are both very rich now, but they are each about 60 years old, and old age has not been kind to them. She now says, “I wish we had our eyesight back.” The genie waves his hand and poof! Suddenly their glasses vanish, and they can see clearly.

The old man now says, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.” The genie waves his hand and poof! The man is now 90.

 

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(Here’s where we found this funny joke.)