What Not To Wear After 50

People live longer now, which is usually a nice thing. And if they take good care of themselves, they might feel younger than their actual chronological age. But dressing as if you were decades younger does not fool anyone. They do it in Hollywood, sure, but that’s because you care about them.

For most of us regular folk, our kids or grandkids are even less likely to want to be seen with us in public when we dress inappropriately. We might even find friends our age canceling lunch plans. Here’s a quick guide to avoid some of these fashion faux pas.

T-Shirts

Of course, you can wear a T-shirt, but you have to pick the right style. Pastels, solid colors, simple patterns—none of these display the real you. Shirts with sassy sayings or with pictures of teen idols are what you’re looking for. Shirts that brag about how much liquor you can hold are also perfect. Plain, bright colored shirts with a sensible scarf or jewelry or a jacket is exactly what you’re expected to wear. “World’s Best Grandma” or “Superdad” make better coffee mugs than T-shirts. Don’t be a sap.

Pants

After 50, any kind of fancy pants are totally perfect. Any kind of boring, practical jeans or slack are pretty worthless. Whether it’s sweats with words on the butt, brightly colored skinny jeans, frilled jeans, low-rise jeans with sequins and embroidery, or plaid pajama bottoms, you’re on the right track. If all you have is practical and modest jeans or slacks, burn them and head to Abercrombie & Fitch.

Boring Footwear

If you have heels with a wider base and a rubber sole, or maybe a little extra cushion inside the shoe, you’re doing it wrong. You should be wearing strappy platform heels or 5-inch stilettos. They might not be comfortable, but at least you look good in public. Boots that go up to your thigh are also fantastic.

Conventional Underwear

Most people of a certain age start to dress in such a way that their clothing covers their undergarments. This is a waste of time. Look for clothes that have skinny straps, are cut to show off your shoulders, and ride low enough that they could conceivably show bra straps or the waistband of your lingerie. While those in their teens and 20s can get away with conventional and conservative clothing, you can’t. Not anymore. For the more mature person, let it hang out. You’ve been here long enough.

Loud Handbags

Some suggest older women only use small clutches. But in truth, the size matters a lot less than the tone. Simple bags in neutral colors are out. You want something that shouts, “HELLO! I’m a purse and I’m alive!” Carry make-up, books, your phone and other practical items. Puppies are great on the outside or the inside of your bag. For accessories, jewelry that shows off cartoon characters or says “I Love Brad” in cursive is very chic right now.

What Not To Search On Google

While Google is a powerful tool to search for information and communicate globally, there are some topics you just shouldn’t search for, simply to protect your peace of mind. This includes checking up on old flames, bad bosses and celebrity pets. Each one of these searches will potentially return something you just don’t want or need to see.

Former Romantic Interests

You broke up with your old flames for a good reason, but you don’t need to second-guess your decision by looking them up on the internet. Reading their Facebook page, Linkedin profile or blog isn’t going to make you feel better. It will only make you wonder about the choices you’ve made … if your ex turned out to be successful. If they’ve had it rough, it’ll be mildly cathartic, but still probably not worth the effort of a search.

You’re not the type of person to take joy in someone else’s misfortune, right?

Bad Bosses

We’ve all had a boss treat us poorly, take credit for our work and talk down to us, as if we were completely incompetent. It’s hard to forget people like that, but it’s best to put them out of your mind. Searching them up on Google will only make you relive bad experiences. Like that time you vomited all over the conference table … oof.

Of course, bad bosses who have gotten a fair dose of karma are fun to ridicule, but it’s not worth the effort. It’s best to leave their profiles and resumes lost in the ether forever.

Celebrity Pets

The pampered, extravagant lives of celebrity pets are both fascinating and infuriating at the same time. At most, pictures of pets wearing jewelry and expensive outfits is an inefficient use of time.

On the other hand, it can be hard to watch a dog or cat eat better than you eat. The level of envy you may end up feeling for a dog or cat can actually ruin your day. If your own pet catches a glimpse of your screen while you’re ogling these other animals, the consequences could be irreparable.

It’s best to ignore the exploits of celebrity pets in favor of other value-added activities. Taking out the trash is probably a better use of your time.

Google is a modern convenience that makes life easier to live, but there are some searches that can make you feel awkward, uneasy and just a little bit scared. Maybe step away from the monitor for a little bit, huh? That’s it, back away slowly …

What Not To Compost

The rise of hipster culture in the United States has led to a number of highly impractical yet impressive trends in housekeeping. Why serve salad out of a regular old bowl like a commoner when you could serve it out of a mason jar? Likewise, why spend your hard-earned cash on plant food and fertilizer when you can invest a disproportionate amount of labor and turn your kitchen into a makeshift dump by composting your own?

From eggshells to table scraps, there are plenty of things you can turn into compost. Here are a few you probably shouldn’t.

Good Food

It’s okay, we understand. You’re eager to impress your friends with how eco-friendly you are by doing your own composting. Resist the urge to toss that homemade lasagna directly into your compost bin. If you happen to botch a few recipes just to lend some variety to the compost, we’ll look the other way.

Fido’s Scraps

Your dog watches you all throughout dinner, just hoping you’ll drop a savory morsel on the floor while he or she is stuck with unappetizing dry kibble. Don’t break Fido’s heart by tossing the choice scraps from dinner directly in the compost pile. Sure, it’s tempting, but it’s also a guarantee that your pet will dig up your garden out of sheer jealousy and spite. Those azaleas won’t appreciate half-eaten meatloaf half as much as the family pooch.

Anything That Glows

While the idea of a super-powered garden is certainly intriguing (Captain Carnation, anyone?), it’s probably best not to put anything radioactive in your compost pile. As difficult as it can be to properly dispose of nuclear waste, you’re better off not feeding it to your garden. You know how these things start out. First, a spider gets into your radioactive compost bin and then it’s the mice. Next thing you know, you’re granting superpowers to your house cat just to keep the league of super-powered pests in your backyard in check. Who has the time between spin class and making recipes from Pinterest? That salad isn’t going to put itself in mason jars.

Store-Bought Compost

If you’re like most people, creating organic compost takes hours of your time each day. You wake up in the morning and toss your coffee grinds and eggshells in only to feel the deep emptiness that comes with a lack of proper composting materials. You’ve even considered having a larger family just so you’ll have more excess food to throw into the compost bin. The temptation to fill the compost-shaped hole in your heart with bagged compost seems too great to bear, but you must resist! It starts with one bag of store-bought compost and you think no one will know. The next thing you know, you look outside only to realize that your garden is spelling out your treachery in daisies and you have to move just to avoid the shame.

While composting is as rewarding as it is necessary, remember to avoid composting these items for the best results. Your garden (and your neighbors who aren’t fond of radioactive spiders) will thank you.

What Not To Say To Siri

Chances are, you’ve heard of Siri. Even if you don’t have an Apple device, people have been buzzing on and on about the ability to speak into their iPads or iPhones and get answers to a variety of questions from this virtual genius.

Siri can do all kinds of cool things. She can tell you where the nearest restaurant is or give you the information you need to finish that report on why monkeys like bananas. However, there are a few things that you really shouldn’t ask Siri or say to her. The following are a few examples.

Can I Run A Marathon?

There is a lot of information online that Siri is capable of finding. But she really cannot predict your future. She is an app on your Apple device, not a wishing well or some kind of oracle. So if you ask this, it will just be a waste of your time and your phone’s battery life.

I Want To Know This Because…

If you are asking Siri a question, you really don’t need to explain yourself afterward. Siri is there to answer any queries that you might have, not to critique your reasons for asking these questions or to analyze anything else about you. She has no interest in your reason for asking those last 511 questions about pickles. A human being might raise an eyebrow at your fascination with cucumbers that have been soaked in brine, but Siri really couldn’t care less.

You Suck.

Actually, Siri doesn’t suck. She is literally not capable of sucking. She doesn’t have a tangible presence in the physical world to be able to create any kind of vacuum. And plus, you just shouldn’t say this because it’s a rude thing to say in general. There’s no reason to be rude to Siri. What did she ever do to you to deserve that kind of treatment?

I’m In Love With You.

When you tell someone you’re in love with them, generally you want these feelings to be reciprocated. But this cannot be stressed enough — Siri is not a living being. Again, she is simply a capability developed by Apple to make your device more useful. She is not capable of love. It’s bad enough to be on the losing end of unrequited love when your object of affection is a human. It’s even worse when it’s a non-living virtual personal assistant. So really, just don’t even go there.

Do You Want Us To Have A Baby Together?

At this time, it would not be possible for you to have a baby with Siri. Some animal species can cross-breed with one another, but they actually have to be fairly closely related species for it to work. Considering that Siri is not even a member of any species, it will be a long, long time before there is even a chance that anyone will attempt to combine human DNA with whatever Siri has. And plus, imagine what that child would be like. Do you really want a kid who can only talk to you when your Apple device is turned on? If the answer is no, you should stick to your own species. If the answer is yes, you’ll want to look into bioengineering courses.